This is a word-for-word transcript of a voicemail message I received from my friend Simon. I swear to God I am not making this up.

I had this epiphany, like, you know we could write a theme song for you. And I’m thinking about it like, ya know sorta a la Shaft. Ya know, the first opening chorus could be:

Who’s the bad-ass banker that makes all the women swoon? And in the background we’ve got like an Isaac Hayes-kinda guy goin’: Gerakasae. And you can be like: Daaamn Straight. And I think it could be really cool and I’m thinking that maybe it’s something that, like, on first dates and stuff like that you can just play in the Z3 you know while girls are with you and stuff. I think theme songs are really under-rated and more people should have ‘um.